You ever cry and not know you are crying? No? Just me..okay...
Well that was me this morning. I pulled into the McDonalds drive thru near the job, looked in the mirror to see how bad my hair looked and surprisingly saw a wet face. I wasnt sweating. I didn't forget to dry my face after I washed it. I didn't get caught in the rain. after a moment, I knew what it was...and where the tears came from. See when the tears start flowing and you cant feel them, its usually when you are at your wits end. It means there is nothing to say. You are waving your white flag, letting God, your best friend, a police officer, a neighbor-somebody - know you need help.
See, I went to sleep angry last night and I guess I should not have been surprised when I woke up somewhat later than normal and my day began to go haywire bubbling over with the anger and frustration that has been looming in my head for weeks. In case you didnt know I currently, care for someone with severe mental health and intellectual diasabilites. Double wammy-right? Shoot me now.
It seemed somewhat manageable before but now that the baby is here, I swearforgawd, things have gotten CRAZIER (for a lack of words) in my home. Your home is supposed to be your personal space, your safe haven, it's yours-right. But lately I don't want to go home. I don't want to be there. I don't want to do anything to it. I don't want to clean, buy anything, paint anything, or dust anything. Nothing. I want it and everything and everyone in it to disappear. My interactions and conversations with my sister have turned into fights. Simple questions and requests have turned into shouting matches. Simple normal dialogues have turned into arguments. I have said things I am not particularly proud of. I mean I have to argue with her about taking a shower. Really? The arguments have gotten physical. Today I almost ran her head through the wall. My house and furniture look like a herd of cows ran through it and frankly I am worn out. I am tired of fixing things and fighting. It's someone ELSE'S turn. And yes I have heard the proverb "to much is given..much is required", but some day's-forgive me Lord-I say take back some of these blessings, because its not worth the struggle. This doesn't seem even. Lord you are not playing fair with me.
And then there are days I only want to be home. To hide from the world so I don't have to answer questions.
Today's blog is because I am feeling discouraged and need to vent. Feeling like I am doing this all alone. Feeling like I am going to have to live the rest of my life, like a prisoner-for a crime I didn't commit. And no one understands. No one gets it. You see, they have all of these support programs for people with mental illness and/or intellectual disabilities, but yet they do not provide any real services to folks because there is no funding. In addition adults, can refuse services, so we have all these people who need counseling, medication, attention- walking the streets -getting worse. My sister thinks she doesnt need medication or counseling. She is fine. She had a baby. She is a mom. Her common phrase is "you aint my payee, cause I don't need one". Oh okay. So because of this claus she is free to be who she is. Nasty, mean, ungrateful, lost and dependent on someone else. me. You see my sister didnt ask to be this way. She was born this way. She was born to a drug-addicted woman who thought bringing another child in this world addicted to drugs and possible chemical imbalances was the thing to do. Go figure, no one talked her out of it..I know for a fact my mother was pro-choice, so what the hell happened-other than the obvious.
So today at work I continue to look for solutions to end my imprisonment. Wine doesn't seem to be the answer and its getting kind of expensive. I don't want to turn into a wino (remember: alcoholics go to meetings, drunks go to parties) I'm looking for residential programs (for her), that you need a state funded CONSOLIDATED waiver for. A waiver that has a waiting list of thousands of names. Those names will undoubtedly remain on the list for the next several years, because we never have enough money and currently we have a governor and elected officials who don't see the value in mental health and intellectual disability support services. If we had more elected officials and people who cared about fully funding and making resources accessible such as affordable health care coverage, reproductive health care services, kinship care support, basic education, special education, and substance abuse prevention programs-just to name a few would have prevented me from crying in the McDonald's parking lot this morning. But since this doesn't appear to be a reality in Pennsylvania any time soon, I continue to suffer in silence.
No comments:
Post a Comment