what is a lie?

According to Wikipedia, the free on-line encyclopedia, a lie (also called prevarication, falsehood) is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement, especially with the intention to deceive others.  To lie is to state something with disregard to the truth with the intention that people will accept the statement as truth. 

The other day at happy hour, I was having a conversation with one of my girls...about lying.  We were trying to categorize what a lie is.  She said a lie is when you purposely do not tell the truth.  I agreed with her.  I then added that I thought lying was also when you do not answer questions at all or purposely leave pieces out.  You know- when people avoid the question entirely and change the subject or when you ask a double wammy question and the person only answers one part on purpose.

So at that very moment, at luck would have it, a living breathing example of a lie appeared.  I found out a guy I had been crushing on actually had a girlfriend.  Here's how it went down.  Picture this we are at happy hour and we are talking about a book my girlfriend just read that I am now reading, called A Belle In Brooklyn. {Sidear: if you haven’t read it, please grab a copy, its good!!!) Anyway the book describes the authors’ adventures and rules for living the single life. 

So anyway we are all at happy hour sitting at the bar -glancing at the book- me, some friends and my crush.  Now I definitely know when I met him, he didn’t have a girl-and in all honestly I didn’t want to be his girl (at that point).  So we are talking about the book and the single life and I am sure that we all fall victim to the he didn’t answer my question situation so pay attention. He says “the book is about the single life? I’m not reading that.” My girl says, “it’s  a good book…well...are you single?”  A pregnant pause happens here, the subject changes and he orders a drink. WTF!!   In that very instance I said “see, he just lied to us.  Weren’t we just talking about lies.”  My girl, who is a very good listener, says “oh no he said he didn’t have a girl, he was single.”  I pointed out “no, he didn’t answer the question”.   She says “no he said he was single.”  I call him over and repeat the question, he looks at me, as she says “didn’t you say you were single.”  He says “no, you’re right I didn’t answer the question.”   I reiterated the point and that’s when he said, “yeah you right I didn’t answer.”  Finally he mumbles something that sounded like he said “I’m not single.”

He never told me. 

He didn’t answer the question until I pointed it out.


He lied to me. 

I’m not calling him a liar, but….if the bow tie fits…A liar is a person who is lying, who has previously lied, or who tends by nature to lie repeatedly—even when not necessary.  Lying is typically used to refer to deceptions in oral or written communication. Other forms of deception, such as disguises or forgeries, are generally not considered lies, though the underlying intent may be the same.Serious lies (such as perjury, fraud, and defamation) are punishable by law.

Men who lie about their relationship status in my humble opinion should be punished by law.  Unfortunately and fortunately there are enough women that they can tell the truth about their relationship status and they will still get what they want from them.  Why lie?

I dont need you to tango...or do I?

So a little while ago when I was checking up on my celebrity gossip I discovered low and behold-guess who they said was/is pregnant with twins??? Kim Kardashian’s sister.  Yup. Khloe.  The headlines are swearing she is pregnant with twins and being clear to mention that this isn’t the official announcement because her and Lamar do not want to overshadow Kim’s wedding. Gimme-a-break. I mean of course, several questions come to mind…how far along is she?  How do they know its twins? Did she get in vitro fertilization? Why is in vitro fertilization among celebs the thing to do?  The reason these many of these celebs are running to do with has more to do with choice than need.  I believe they want to choose the number of kids (twins, triplets, the sex, timing etc), rather than let nature take its course. Well I am here to tell you it isn’t just our favorite celebrities J-Lo, Kloe Kardashian, Evelyn from basketball Wives (she wants twins) getting in vitro.  Your next door neighbor, you co-worker and your college roomate are all doing it.  However their reasons are slightly different.

IVF or in vitro fertilization remains one of the more effective solutions to infertility. The numbers of successful births from IVF have steadily grown in the last decade. However, it is still an expensive procedure, costing upwards of $12,000 per cycle and often requiring multiple cycles.  Growing up, old folks used to say that in vitro fertilization was the thing “white women” did.  It wasn’t until I got older that I learned that after a certain age the percentage of African American women and Caucasian women who use assisted reproductive technology’s (ART) such as in vitro fertilization were about equal.   Most of these women have decided on ART-not completely because they are having infertility issues, but because they are having man issues.  They long for a family of their own.  Sure they could adopt or become a big sister, but these women long for a child to call their own.  They long for a baby. 

Does it really take two to tango?  Do you really need a "man" to have a baby?  I mean don’t get me wrong, women have been rearing children by themselves for decades-without the help of a husband or a man biologically related to the child.  I’m sure you have a Uncle Ray-that lives down the street or a Uncle Eddie that taught you how to drive…but most of those (in that time) were situational kinds of things...your father passed away, your mom and dad broke up-after you were born,  mom and dad got a divorce etc…things just didn’t work.  But more and more women as they get older are “purposely” having “purposely made” children-with or without a man. They have proclaimed that they haven’t found the right man, they are growing older and their eggs are shriveling up!! "They are shouting we want a baby.  but what we are not hearing is that they don’t want the "hassle" of a no good baby dad.

So here’s the question is it better to not know who left the sperm at the sperm bank, than to have to tell someone that Ray Ray is your "baby fatha"?  I often wonder what does this say about us a society.  That we don’t need a man, surely children need two parents. Or do they? 

I was raised primarily in a single parent household.  I think I am somewhat accomplished.  I've done a few things here and there.  Does that make my mother a bad person because things didn’t work between her and my father?  Why is it okay to be a parent via IVF vs being a single parent because things did not work out between the mother and father?  I think they are the same.   I know people who grew up in two parent households and are a damn train wreck. I know folks who were raised by a single parent that are well accomplished. Is there really a difference? Stop spending all that money on IVF and give Ray Ray some play!

Let's wait awhile...

..for what???
Ladies as we grow older and really learn what makes us “tick” within relationships…we realize our needs and wants regarding our sexual behaviors and activities tend to change.  Changes are often around the frequency of sex, the length of time we are getting it in, requirements about HIS tools and abilities, and our level of commitment to a guy before we give it up.  

Many times we meet men who give us butterflies and we want to jump their bones “on spot”.  We meet men that are not our type and they slowly grow on us and we use the sex (when it’s GREAT) to justify being with that person.  Indeed, we also have male friends and we teeter on whether we should cross the line. We have that “we just met, I had too much to drink and I accidentally had sex with him” sex.  And last but not least we always have that one ex whose house we end up stopping by cause we happen to be in the neighborhood –and its only a plus that he knows how to make your toes curl.  :-)

As I grow older wiser, and since apparently I am *cues music Single Life by Cameo* living the single life, I wonder how long should we (yes you) make a brotha wait??  Do the traditional- make him wait high school rules get thrown out the door because you (not me) are now 30 something??

In his book {and soon to be movie,} Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man Steve Harvey says wait 90 days...I have girlfriends who say wait a month.  Personally my grandmother used to say make him pay for it! She didn’t give a time frame and no my grandmother was not promoting prostitution , but more so make him work for it, make sure he earns it, make him COURT you.  Court-wow! When is the last time you heard that word in the context of dating.  Been a while, right?  On the other hand, I have other girlfriends that say "you will know when the time is right"…but do we really ever know when the time is right AND more importantly does it REALLY matter after a certain age???  I mean once you hit 30 do all the rules still apply.  Bottom line if do women over 30 really have that kind of time?  Well it really depends on what you want…

I mean besides the important questions that I have listed below what do you REALLY have to wait for?  How many partners have you had? How many partners have you had unprotected sex with? Have you ever had sex with a man? Have you had any STI’s or STD’s? STI/STD stands for sexually transmitted infections/diseases {for those of you still saying VD, catch up}? When was the last time you had an STD test?  When was the last time you had a HIV test? WHAT WERE THE RESULTS?

Should I or shouldn’t I?  In her recent CD, Jill Scout shouts aloud "I’m making you wait for the fifth date- I need to know if you’re worthy.."  I think this waiting question is personal and depends on what you are looking for before and after you have sex.  What does worthy mean to you? Does it mean he passed a clean bill of health? He has a job? 1½ kids, car, house, all his teeth….what are you worth and what do you want?  No I’m not saying have sex on the first night (or not) because he said yes –and has proof of his answers to all of the questions above but if a man is only our for sex what difference does it make if you give it to him on the 1st day or make him wait the long gruesome 90 days-really?  

Frankly, I think the sooner the better, that way you haven’t wasted a lot of time and energy into something that he (or you) for that matter aren’t interested in developing.  And you get to check out the goods-insert smiley face here _______.  Who wants to wait 90 days, have bad sex and mentally you all wrapped up in a guy ready to jump the broom-only to cheat on him or divorce him cause the sex sucks-No pun intended.  That relationship isn’t going anywhere.  I think many times we make things bigger than what they are.  It is okay for a woman to admit she has a sexual attraction to a man and keep it moving-right?  If it turns out to be more, than great, you have a win win-a good relationship and good sex.

Disclaimer: Actually it takes at least 20 minutes to get a rapid HIV test and I am sure when you are at the club and you meet a guy, there aren’t too many places open that time of night to get tested.  I recommend waiting at least 2 days, so he can get at the very least a rapid HIV test the next day.  Then you can get it in :-)

A woman's worth...

I was recently cyber stalking on a friends Facebook page and came across his new status.　 There was a Romanian Proverb as his status that read "Do not put your spoon into the pot which does not boil for you…”  Who was he talking about? Me…? My spoon? He better not be….seriously. Was he trying to send me a hint?  OMG, he doesn’t like me and its on FACEBOOK.

As always my cyber stalking made me think about the current status of the single/still dating/friends with benefits fairly young African American woman. You know, the bigger picture, cause everything isn’t always about ME…as I would like to think…

But wait…first, let me confess. I was on somebody’s page that I actually had no business on. Someone who's doesn't boil for ME on a regular basis…but I couldn’t resist checkin’ up on him. You know, see who he is quoting, see if he changed his profile picture, see how he is feeling, where is he going to be later, etc, etc. Background information: We will call him AL. AL is handsome, has a good job, seems fairly stable, no sign of baby momma drama, no sign of mental instabilities, and has that Philly Swag that I love. *SIGH* AL is someone I like, but in the time that I have known him I have come to realize that AL’s just not that into me. Seriously. I mean a girl knows when a guy wants her. No matter how busy he is, not matter how many other obligations he has-she knows. She can feel it. The thought of Al gives me butterflies…The site of AL gives me butterflies…but I don’t think I give him butterflies. Insert teardrops here----> _______________.

What I have come to learn (over and over and over again), is that men are predators by nature. When they want something THEY go after it…and frankly I don’t think he has been acting very "predator like" since…well….ever. Anyway, I digress. Okay, no more cyber stalking. I promise.

The moral of the story...that I haven’t gotten to, because I had to do so much explaining-as you know background information is key to making an informed decision-is that we as women need to know our worth. I know it sounds like my settling blog, but keep up, its my know your worth blog. #thanks

When is enough, enough?  Let’s take a trip down memory lane….Remember the sitcom, The Parkers. Remember Monique’s character, she played the role of Nicole "Nikki" Parker and she LOVED herself some Professor Oglesby. Everywhere he was, she showed up. If he liked it, she loved it. The unfortunate part of the story is that man ran from her, he hid from her; he did nothing to give her the inclination that he liked her. He ignored her. He did nothing to receive her affection and she kept trying. Episode after episode. It was always something new. She kept on. She chased him-hard. Each week we sat at home and we laughed at Nikki, when it went into syndication and they showed re-runs we watched intensely. Not realizing the sad part of the story is that there is a little Nikki in many of us. Sure it was funny on the television show, but in real life it really isn’t. In real life, women that act like that start to look desperate, lonely, uncomfortable with being by themselves-in addition to being just plan annoying.　

Women WE need to know our worth. We need to make them work for IT and reciprocate IT. We are worth working for. Work for our attention, affection, our intimacy, our love.  It really doesn’t take much. Just a little effort. If he is not "boiling for you"-courting, dating, perusing, pursuing, calling, texting, facebooking, tweeting, bbm’ing you...then Ladies you definitely need to take YOUR spoon elsewhere. You don’t need him to tell you he isn’t interested. The signs are there. No need in having your spoon sit in hot water-for nothing-it needs to be bubbling. Make him chase you, you need to be prayed preyed on…In other words, if he isn’t working to get your attention or you then you gotta move….take the hint (or hints) and try a new pot...

I know I will...

Friends...how many of us have them....

Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with --sex and the city


Every girl needs a girl.  No, I’m not speaking of having a “girl” in a lesbian way, but in a friendly way. Let me start over and explain. 


Every girl needs a girlfriend.  Every girl needs girlfriends.  Girlfriends are there for you during the good times and the bad.  Girlfriends are who you call when you need advice, when you need to vent, when you need to complain, and when you need to laugh.  Girlfriends help you grow.  Girlfriends push you to grow.  Girlfriends celebrate your successes, help you break the windows out his car, and help you fix what is wrong. Girlfriends, support you when you are right and when you are wrong.  Girlfriends tell you not to wear those tights again, suggest lip-gloss shades and they always know where the good sales are going to be.  Girlfriends are there during your life transitions- marriage, babies, divorces, break-ups, moving, new jobs...


Girlfriends provide consistency in your life.


There are just somethings only a girlfriend will understand.  Trust me.


Good girlfriends are a gift from the man (or woman) above.


Sometimes it's helpful for girls to have multiple sets of girlfriends.  Luckily for me, I have Sorors, girlfriends from my elem-high school days, work girlfriends, college girlfriends and neighborhood girlfriends. 


I often tell my male friends that are still on the dating scene, if they meet a girl and she doesn’t have any girlfriends then they need to run in the other direction. I mean there has to be something wrong with a woman with no female friends.  We learned how to make friends in Pre-School...and you still haven’t mastered it? Oye Ve'!  I hear females all the time say "I don’t get along with other girls".  Well I think that is the stupidest thing to say.  How do you not have any girlfriends?  You only have one?  Not Good.  How can you not get along with other women? What are you doing?  Are you an instigator? A liar?  Have a bad jealous streak?  Is the reason you don’t have any girlfriends is because you do not know how to be a friend. I get it, now!!! We need to start with the basics.  You need to repeat your formative school years.  Go back to Pre-School and learn how to share crayons and what it means to be a friend- I dont care if you have a PhD...you dont have any girlfriends and that is a problem.


You mean to tell me when you are in your darkest hour, you want to call on a boy-who is going to tell you he will call you back (probably because he is in the middle of getting some yams).  Hunh? No.  You need a girlfriend, when things are going a little wayward and you need someone on the scene pronto.   You need a girlfriend to pat you on your back and say "you go girl!'  You need a girlfriend that will take off her stilettos and put on her timberlands in 4 seconds or less!

Now, I didn’t say you and your girlfriends wont disagree or hit a rough patch-maybe even not speak to each other for a couple of months days.  It happens. When you finally talk, real girlfriends pick right up where they left off.  Like nothing ever happened.
  
I thank God everyday for my girlfriends.  My girlfriends have been there through my darkest hours, even when I didn’t want them to be.  My girlfriends love me when I’m broke and when I have an extra dollar.  I share a special but different bond with each of my girlfriends.  My girlfriends teach me everyday how to be a good friend. 

I hope that they feel the same about me. 

To all my girlfriends..."We're friends, real friends. And that means, no matter how long it takes, when you finally do decide to look back, I’ll still be here" -grey's anatomy

Teamwork...

How come when people ask us what our strengths are, we always say "I am a teamplayer".  Really?  No your not.  LOL!!!! Does Teamwork REALLY make the dream work?  Or does it cause more confusion? Why do we waste our time in team meetings about meetings about meetings about meetings...UGHHHH!!! HELP ME, Please.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for a good strategic planning meeting, but please have a purposeful meeting.  Please start and end on time. I am looking for a meeting with defined outcomes and processes.  A meeting where folks come prepared and have done the proper research prior to the meeting.  What I am not interested in are meetings where we talk in circles, there are no experts and people attend with out the proper documentation, notes, information, etc.  In addition I am not interested in random meetings where people come to hear themselves talk and toot their own horn.  Beat it! Do that on your own time!

This picture defines how I feel about some of the meetings I generally attend!

If you are looking for GREAT Demotivator quotes/posters/shirts/mugs like the one above, you can find them at this website:
Despair, Inc.

Many of the slogans and sayings made me chuckle!!!

I actually think I am going to purchase the picture above and hand it in my office!!!

Liquid Courage

Dear Sister Friend,

Liquid courage is not your friend.  You only get hurt in the end.  Yes, I know the statistics about African American women and single motherhood, marriage and dysfunctional families continue to rise…and you have to be “aggressive” when it comes to dating, but don’t set yourself up for failure…don’t rely on that courage that s-l-o-w-l-y builds you up and then drops you like a bad habit,-leaving you looking like a stalking fool.

Picture this…

You’re hanging with your girls, you’re talking about the dreamy dude, your FUTURE baby father/husband/jawn/significant other that you are head over heels in like with.  You bring up that fact that he won’t call you back, sometimes calls back, doesn’t “respond the way” he should.  Now your real friends will tell you to move and that there are more fish in the sea…but there are some associates (notice I didn’t say friends) who will pump your head up with the following jargon..."girl he likes you"..."he probably is just busy"..."you know he lost his phone"...”maybe he doesn’t know you are interested”…"no he is not gay"..."just call him and ask him what’s up"…”keep calling” and what happens...DISASTER.....just one or two sips of your favorite glass of _________...and then you send him a text…or you tweet about him...then you send a bbm...then you have another sip...and you text again...you giggle...you check his Facebook page...take another sip...and before you know it, the bottle is empty, he hasn’t responded, you have run out of your "unlimited text messages", Facebook and twitter both have frozen screens.  You should be classified as a borderline stalker and probably be on suicide watch at this point.  You have typed some things that you wouldn't have said had you not been encouraged and not...taken that sip of ___________ <----Insert your favorite kind of Riesling Zinfandel, Vodka etc.

LIQUID COURAGE

It gets us every time.

...and HE does what he normally does, responds at first and then stops...or doesnt respond at all. 
WHY do we (women) put ourselves through the drama and bullshit?  Haven’t we learned?  We have watched countless movies, television shows, read books, blogs and infamous quote that have said a number of times and a million different ways that if HE isn’t responded or initiating  "He is just not that into you…”  He knows you are interested but HE is trying to let you down gently because HE is not interested.   Maybe he was in the beginning because he gave you the number, he responded at first, maybe you went on a date or two or maybe he invited you over.  Indeed he probably only wanted one thing or maybe in those interactions HE decided you were not his type.  I know you are thinking maybe he will like me more if we hang out more...hello! Wake up! Seriously, when are you going to hang out if he doesn’t return any of your forms of outreach…the calls/texts/tweets/bbms/pings/facebookmessagesandwallposts.  No hard feelings.  Let him go.  Don’t stalk, especially not after you have been drinking.  Liquid courage also known as liquid confidence is an alcoholic beverage that enables you to become gregarious and much more comfortable/confident in social situations.  So you say to yourself "F-it, he's gonna respond this time...watch!"...and you pull out that phone...and well that liquid (and your girlfriends) didnt do anything except hype you up.  He doesnt respond.  Salty feeling. Very.  

This is for all of my sisters who were ever in LOVE LIKE with a man that could care less.  Unfortunately he was/is not interested and is not man enough to say such, so he ignores you….and it continues to fester and boil inside of you until that liquid gets to mixing with your heart and your emotions and…you start to do the above mentioned stuff (not that I have EVER done any of it, I’m just saying)

Sister, you need to move on.  If he was interested he would have hunted you down like wild prey.  He would have called you, responded, took you out, and asked ALL of your girlfriends about you….etc. etc. you get my point…right?

Don’t get caught up. Tell that _____________ <----Insert your favorite kind of Riesling Zinfandel, Vodka etc.  That you do not have time. 

Don’t let it get the best of you.  

No tears.

No badgering.

No social media stalking

No more liquid courage.

Single Ladies...

...so on Monday night, I wasted 2 hours of my life watching VH1's Premiere of the television series Single Ladies.  From the title and the trailers, ladies you would think this was going to be OUR show.  You would think this was our new Monday night show that we were going to regularly invite our girlfriends over, have wine and food prepared and together we would laugh, cry and bare all of our hopes and dreams about men, relationships, family and marriage and of course SHOPPING!!!!  Well...we were bamboozled..I mean how many of ya'll knew this show was going to be a disaster.  I didn’t think it was going to be the BEST show, but I thought it would be like Girlfriends...remember how it was okay and then it got REALLY REALLY good...well...not this one.  I don’t think there is any hope. 

There is really not much to say except that there were too many has beens, too many story lines, too many sexual encounters and too many light skin men.  If this was Queen Latifah's attempt at an "African American" version of Sex and the City or any successful television series, Dana you failed.   Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00, I'm sorry.  The show simply sucked.  I don’t know who was worse Stacey Dash or LisaRaye McCoy.  Yes, I do.  They both were horrible.

The acting itself left a lot to be desired.  I mean I am all for keeping the money in the family and keeping old school actors and actresses employed but HONEY last night was like Clueless meets Players Club meets Dumb in the City.  Stacey and LisaRaye's acting skills combined are not enough to keep me watching. 

I mean LisaRaye was "herself".  The same way she is on her reality show is the same way she was on this scripted television series.  And Stacey Dash...well your claim to fame is your youthful appearance, but uh..I think you have been hanging with Mr. Botox.  Now I didn’t create this blog to talk bad about people.  That is not my intent and frankly I am not that kind of person...but the acting was simply horrible and they had the nerve to have the "smartest baby moms of the Century" on the show-no other than: Lauren London, Chilli and Kim Porter... *crickets*  somebody call Target and see if they are hiring.  I can't.   None of these 5 women have acting skills that have progressed since they originally came on television or the movie screen.

This may have been an attempt at a star studded cast or premiere-but I only saw crickets. No stars.

I know this series has already been taped but can we scrap the next couple of episodes and replace them with new ones.  I mean the story lines jumped around with two many issues for a premiere. Stacey Dash was dating a man for 5/1/2 years-who in the first 10 minutes of the show told her he didn’t want to marry her, who she thought she was pregnant by but wasnt sure because it could have been another man's (some Caucasian dude she had JUST met).

Then there's the other main character, a Caucasian woman- until I find her real name (no offense) who is married to a suite wearing African American man and cheating on him with Common-the Mayor. 

LisaRaye worked in the boutique owned by Stacey Dash, who was also a video vixen who stole jewelry-wait did I tell you she was in Camron's video-#pause...Camron really?  Stop.  LisaRaye you are too OLD.  Maybe your daughter should have been in the television series.  There were many more issues, too many to type.  I suggest you waste 2 hours of your life like I did...and then "tell em' why you mad son". 

Again who is the other main character....I cant find her name anywhere...not that I looked that hard.

The series is supposed to be a "modern, sexy series set in the world of Atlanta fashion, music, and celebrity that will constantly explore which woman has the right approach to relationships"...well I personally do not need to watch several episodes of this series to know that neither of the three of the women have the right approach to relationships or life for that matter.  At one point Chilli and LisaRaye were discussing the men they both dated since there are only 4 eligible men in Atlanta-and a homosexual co-worker of LisaRaye's chimes in because he dated one of the guys too....STOP.  Please.  No more.

Writers, Producers, Editors! HELP!!!!! Can we please get a real story with real women dating real men?   Real storylines.  Real issues.  Everyone is NOT a video girl and not everyone cares to be.  We do not sit around drinking wine in our designer sunglasses and talking about the next event we are going to.  We do not all have our own boutiques, clothing lines or shoe stores...some of us sit at a desk all day, work in schools-wear uniforms to work.  We do not date “perfect looking men”-fat free-all muscle bodies, beautiful smiles, good hair, bald heads, big houses.  No, we date men with receeding hairlines, crocked teeth, men that dont always wear suits to work and many who live in row homes.  Some of us (ya'll) date men that dont even own a suit-I wont go there today, later, not today, today is not your day.  Someone tell me when will we have a regular show about African American woman dating in 2011 who go to *in my Katt Williams voice* REGULAR jobs, date REGULAR men, drive REGULAR cars and have REGULAR sexual encounters.  Huhnh?  That's not good enough for television, I guess.  It’s too REGULAR.  Everything has to be fake…or a fantasy…or made up or over the top.-even Realtiy television is fake.  How ironic!  And whats said is that because of all the telelvision celebrity lifestyle reality television shows and lifestlyes that we are able to be a part of we (ya'll) think this is how we are supposed to be living.  Half of that stuff is rented...down to the houses they shoot the televsision shows in.  Living high on the hog, gucci this, prada that, cheap heels and fake hair-and you cant even pay your own cable bill-talking about what a man needs to be able to do for you...SIGH I digress... look at what television has done to us *waving fist in the air*.

Ladies-wake up! The revolution will not be televised.  You'd probably be watching Single Ladies anyway if it was.

I am really disappointed in the show and in myself for watching it and NOW blogging about it.  The show needs to improve.  I think Single Ladies needs new actresses, a new story line…and a new station.  VH1 loves to show this kind of buffoonery.  I don’t think another television station would have allowed this show to be on their lineup.  Thank you VH1 and Dana (Queen Latifah) for wasting our time and money.  I should have been reading a book, instead I was glued to the boob tube praying for the show to get better or at the very least to see some hot fashion.

B or B...

What is female empowerment?  Empowerment refers to increasing the spiritual, political, social, or economic strength of individuals and communities. It often involves those folks considered empowered and having developed confidence in their own capacities.  In that case, I would assume female empowerment would be the ability of women and girls to develop and exhibit confidence in their own abilities to do things. 

As a woman, I am all for empowerment, confidence and frankly showing off...I have to wonder though does that include belittling others, using sexual innuendos and obscenities to do such.  Can female empowerment be as gentle as a tiny kitten, soft and fluffy?  Does it have to be harsh, abrasive, sexual and dark?  Can it be both?  Apparently in most of our present day music it is presented as two different approaches, no in-between and the later of the two is what we commonly think of or see images of.

I am a Beyonce fan...so please do not take this Blog entry as me hating or being jealous.  The first time I listened to the song "Who Run the World (Girls)", I didn’t like the song.  I actually thought that Kelly Rowland had a better first single.  However, before we label this song as a female empowerment song, I think we need to address several things. 

One, female empowerment is not about being naked, gyrating, shouting obscenities/cursing or hand gestures that mimic such (at least not in my eyes).  Or is it? In the above mentioned video she is half naked and dancing very seductively around and on the men.   At one point in the music video B even puts up her middle finger... #wheretheydodat?  Was that necessary?  In the video she is portraying the "leader" of an all female army and they are "fighting" a war. Shouldn’t you be leading by example? Did B putting up my middle finger show that her female army was better than the male one.  Maybe I missed something.  I also saw trailers of the video where it appears some parts were left out of the mainstream video, but nevertheless it hasn’t answered my question, but only increased the number of questions I have about the validity of the song and the video that accompanies it.  Do we as women have to act like "B's" to be heard or seen? 

Ironically when I started this blog, I didn’t know that B would be featured as the cover story of the most Recent Billboard Magazine.  In the article the author refers to Beyonce as an "icon of female empowerment" and asks what power means to her.  B describes what it means to her, including "it's about setting a good example, and not abusing your power...leading by example".  B, do you really believe that?  Does that persona only occur behind close doors when the cameras are off?  Are you saying B is the role model but Sasha Fierce isn’t because I am not sure if your last video (or last couple of videos) displayed such role modeling.  Does that mean we need to be half naked and dancing seductively to get people's (specifically men) attention or can we simply use our intelligence, facts, and natural charm to get our point across and our voices heard.  The video-and song- should have been entitled What Runs The World (Pu$$Y).

Yes, our girls (and women) need role models and inspiring music to get them through life's strenuous and laborious road blocks, but is Who Run the World (Girls) the female empowerment anthem that we need to be singing?  Is it the music video I would use to make a point or presentation with.  No, I dont think so.  I believe this song and the video itself, sets women back several decades.  All that we have fought for in the world of women's rights and independence -and here we go again throwing our Pu$$Y in the faces of men, to get ahead and prove a point.  I think the video is very sexual and does nothing for B, her image and the young women who will continuously chant the song all summer long.   I mean did you listen to the lyrics…geesh that’s another blog for another time.

Sorry B, this was not a winner.  I don’t want to be a B.  This is not the image that women should be flaunting in 2011.  Not when we have astronomical rates of teen pregnancy, STD’s including HIV, poverty, low literacy in our communities.  Please try again.  Next time B the role model you claim to be.

The Big O

...and no I am not talking about an orgasm. LOL!  Yesterday I watched Part 1 of the Oprah Farewell Spectacular and I could not stop crying.  Most of my friends know I am a hard ass, but at times I can be a water head.  It's the Taurus in me.  Anyway, Oprah's friends did an amazing job of keeping the event and its guest and practically all of the details secret and from what I see, they executed a perfect show.  From beginning to end.  From Tom Cruise to Patti Labelle to Beyonce to Diane Sawyer.  I was simply amazed, inspired and frankly out of tissues by the time show ended.  *Note to self-pick up a box of tissues on the way home*.

Beginning September 8, 1986, the Oprah Winfrey show passed through 24 seasons and over 3,700 episodes.  I continue to be inspired by her years of diligence, hard work and most of all compassion for others.  At the same time, I am saddened by her departure from day time television and the impact it could have on women like myself.  I mean she is not dead and I am sure she is being contacted to work on numerous television, music and talk radio projects-but seriously what will we do with out her?  Who will be the next Oprah? 

What disturbs me about Oprah's departure from day time television is the folks who say…"she didn’t do anything for (us)"..."she always doing stuff overseas"..."why she ain’t build a school here"... Folks do your research.  Oprah has championed lots of causes and underserved populations near and far-black and white.  Oprah is not prejudice or "pro-black".  Oprah is a humanitarian and wants to help people.  To say that something she has done has not effected or influenced you in some way, is a bold face lie.  It’s because of Oprah many of your favorite products are on the shelves of stores nationwide-and remain there.  It’s because of her that you read some of the books you do.  It’s because of her that maybe your local boys and girls club is still open.  It’s because of her that you probably know where Africa is-cause you certainly weren’t paying attention before.  I mean c'mon folks…do you think she publicizes everything she does in the community?  Do you?  Probably because you don’t do much and need the recognition for the little but you actually do.

Oprah is a staple not only in the African American community, but in communities all over.  Watching yesterday's show confirmed that its not just African American women who are motivated by her but its all women-across the state, nation, country  and "the world, Craig".  Its women young and old; women with support systems, women without support systems; single women, married women; Christian women, Muslim women and Jewish women.  They all "worship" Oprah. But now what?  Where do we get our advice?  Who inspires us to do more in the community?  Who teaches us we are beautiful just the way we are?

Well I will tell YOU, after 25 seasons, its time for US to be our OWN Oprah.  No, I don’t mean we all need to have a talk show and a best friend named Gayle.  I mean we all need to look within ourselves and strive to do better and we need to help others to do the same.  Oprah has set the standard (very high-might I add) and now its time for us to step up to the plate.  Set a goal and work towards it.  Your goal may be to be a better parent, to do more public service, to go back to school…whatever the goal is, start planning.  Start small…and then see how your project can grow into something large that other folks will want to be a part of or something that will allow folks to notice the difference in you.  It only takes a little faith the size of a mustard seed, to know YOU can make a difference…not a television camera and a studio audience…



*pointing finger and shouting in my Oprah voice * "You set a goal...You set a goal...You set a goal.."

Big Pimpin..Big Mouth..

Now that I am 32, a woman of a certain age, often times in dating situations, I am confronted by ghosts of my past.  I think that men (and women) would expect that you have lived a little and are a little bit experienced in the world of dating.  I suspect at my age, many men (and women) have been around the block once or twice…heck maybe even the neighborhood.

I would hope that a woman my age has dated many types of men.  I’m talking about men in different career fields, age brackets, financial statuses, ethnicities, heights and backgrounds.  I would hope that they would have had the benefit or unfortune -of being in a long term relationship, a one night stand -or more-#dontjudegemethem or have the benefit of being the heartbreaker themselves.  A woman should have lived a life, that is Rated X enough to share with her girlfriends, too Rated R to tell her children but rated PG-13 enough to tell her grandchildren.  Yes!  But what about your next significant other…

In the midst of all these experiences is that "do I tell him factor".  I find that disclosure is a touchy subject.  No matter the number of men you have dated its going to be too many for him.  No matter how handsome you thought the last guy was, the new guy is always going to hate on him.  No matter how much money he had the next guy is gonna claim he wasn’t “really getting’ money”.  No matter how happy you were being free or in your last relationship, the new guy is going to point out that is wasn’t always peaches and cream.. 

When it comes to disclosure, do you really tell all?  Do you tell him how many times you had sex with the last guy, went on trips with the athlete, the businessman who cheated on you, the sugardaddy who “took care of you”?  Do you tell him how many different and erotic places you have had it-the penthouse floor of a local hotel, the park, the car?  Do you tell him all the positions or do you just act like you only know the misisionary position and that you won’t entertain the thought of felatio unless you are married?  Do you tell him about the heartache, the sandy beaches, the sleepless nights, the other women, the jewelry, the parking lots, the bail fund or do you just shut YOUR BIG MOUTH.   I mean do you deny something that once was or acknowledge it and all of its intricate details- and hope he still thinks you are cool enough with the Virgin Mary that you are practically a Saint yourself.

Quite frankly, I despise the so "who is he", “why didn’t you tell me" or "did anything happen between you two" questions?  GTFOH.  Grow some balls.  I am with you NOW-I mean at least at this minute I am.  Why does my past concern you?  No, I haven’t always used condoms, yes, I have recently had an HIV test, yes I have had an STD check, yes I know my status and yes, we should get tested together.  Frankly that is all you need to know and frankly what I did with him is none of your business-even if I wonder what it would be like if you and I were on that same rooftop and had some chocolate syrup and …..

I digress.

Ladies, do we talk about our big pimpin’ or do we keep our big mouths shut.  There is nothing worse than having your dude find out about something in the past by someone other than you...but does our past really matter.  I mean if what I did in college is based on our future-Houston we have a problem.  Do you really need to know I needed money to pay my rent and I dated the biggest drug dealer in the neighborhood? Or that we became business partners because he wasn’t ready for a relationship?

I think in 2011 men should know that women have lived and experienced lots of things.  The older you are the more you have experienced.  I also believe that men and women can genuinely be friends-even after they have dated or screwed.  I think past relationships and rendezvous should be discussed when it comes to health issues, danger or ongoing situations for example if you have a child by an ex.  If I dated him, then pay attention to the “ed”.  Dated.  Not dating. It’s over.  Scram with all of your crazy thoughts and insecurities.  I’m with you now.  If I tell you everything about everybody then you would think I wasn’t the woman I am, when in fact those experiences make me the woman I am. The reason I don’t take no ish from you is because of this one and that.  The reason I question some of your business ventures its because I dated this one and that one.  The reason I know how you like it and how often you like it is because of this one and that one…The reason I get quiet and shut down to diffuse an argument…it’s because *in my Wendy Williams voice* “Mother has lived”.

Listen Mr.  I am dating you now…I am disease free and debt free.  The world is small but know I haven’t dated any of your friends or family…and that is what important. I am living my life like its golden.  You have two choices you can come along for the ride and stop asking questions or be placed in the “ed” box.  Life is too short for you to keep bringing up my past-especially after I have answered your damn questions. The real issue is that you are a cheater, a womanizer and you think I am Karma coming back for vengeance.  No boo, my name is Phillysugamamma, not Karma.  Karma-she lives down the street.  My answers won’t change (I remember all the little white lies and I have a great long term memory).

Keep pimpin’ ladies …and shut your mouths…the past is the past…

To settle or not to settle...

...Clearly whoever said 30 was the new 20 never met 32...

Hi and welcome to the Adventures of Phillysugamamma and yes that is how I spell it!  Prepare to be entertained, amused, saddened, depressed, overwhelmed, frustrated and happy all in one location!  Yes, those are my everyday mood swings and you are welcome to come along for the ride.  My only rule is #dontjudgeme.

I don’t know what got into me this morning, but all of a sudden I had a sudden urge to "blog".  For what reason, I have no idea.  In the past I thought about writing a book about my life, in hopes that I could help someone or maybe even entertain them…but then reality television came along…and well there went that dream.  I guess I have something to share with the world, that I can seem to get out in 140 characters-damn you Twitter or 420 characters-Facebook...in other words, I have a big mouth and want you to know what I know and feel the way I feel.  Yes, I am now the boss of you, me ---> Ms. Phillysugamamma

Anyway back to me...because it is always about me.. I am a 30 something 25 +7 African American woman, a Philadelphia native and I am on the move! Literally and figuratively.  I am interested in a lot of things, passionate about various causes, a lover of celebrity gossip, a caregiver, a sister, a friend, a director and unmarried.  I like to socialize, network, help others and above all have a good time.  As of lately I find that my days are long and my nights even longer.  I am unsure about my next move...career wise specifically and my life in general.  So much to do, so many souls to save and there is only one me.  More and more I am feeling like I need to "settle down". 

But what in the hell does "settle down" mean?

I currently work in the non-profit/public health sector.  I enjoy what I do.  It allows me to make small changes in the world around health disparities and populations I am fervent about…but I often wonder when do you know you have found the career or job that you are destined to be in forever.  Forever is a mighty long time.  When I tell folks I have been at my present company for 6 years, they are shocked.  When I tell them I have always worked in the same field-they are intrigued! I mean wake up people, do you just get a job at a company and hope it works for the best?  How long do you stay? When do you leave?  Do you wait until they fire you?? Do you adjust to the highs and lows of changes in administration and management?  Do you just settle?


The down fall of being committed to public service and helping others is the disappointment that comes with feeling like a failure when they fail.  Family, friends and strangers-they all do it. In other words when they prove to you over and over again they do not want to help themselves.  I have a friend who shall remain nameless; actually we will call her Cee-Cee.  I think I have done everything for her except "be her and live her life".  I can’t seem to get her on track.  I mean there is nothing more that I can do.  I've given her tough love, I've tried the "let me get you started route", I have showered her with endless love and RESOURCES ($$$) and to no avail-FAILURE.  Am I enabling her?  I mean at some point don’t you want BETTER for yourself?  Don't you want to be on your own?  Haven't you learned your lesson(s)? Why do you keep doing the same stuff over and over and over and over again? Or on the other hand, there are times when I wonder why she isn’t doing anything at ALL.   When do you decide that you have helped enough folks?  When is enough enough?  When do you ask yourself, why do I keep helping this person over and over and over again? When do you throw in the towel and say that you are done helping/saving/taking care of/bailing out this person?  Do you just settle on the fact that they are going to be who they are no matter what and say fuck it!

Earlier I mentioned my age…currently all of my friends are married, getting married, in heavy duty serious relationships, having kids, and more kids and talking about MOVING to different school districts/cities/states-meanwhile they are unhappy.  They have given up their former lives-no more parties, happy hours, public service projects, dating girl’s night out…and they are simply miserable.  They are living the "IhavetogetmarriedandhavekidsNOWwithapicketfenceandadogandnicecarinasuburbanneighborhoodsohewilldo syndrome.  And me...in Facebook terms...well "it's complicated".  I don’t know what the issue is.  Maybe my standards are too high, many I wasn’t meant to have "all of that", maybe my blessing is coming in a different package. Or maybe I have commitment issues.  I mean clearly today on Twitter I proudly announced I would blog once a week...I mean who does that?  Aren't you supposed to blog daily or when you have thoughts to share...clearly I have thoughts more than once a week...but was I scared to say I would blog more than once a week.  Why did I have to set “rules” and “standards” on my blogging?  Was I afraid, like many men I have dated that I would get bored with it (them) and not want to be bothered.  Was I afraid that I would get all wrapped up in this newfound blogging relationship and forget about my old friends- Mr. 420 and Mr. 140 character counts and settle for this blog as my only means of expression...or like many of my failed relationships did I hold back my feelings and thoughts for fear that the blog spot would dump ME thinking a better blogger was going to come along.

Carrie Bradshaw once said "Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies"  I have to be honest with you.  I want butterflies.  I NEED butterflies.  I want butterflies when it comes to dating, when it comes to my career, when it comes to my life's work, when it comes to sex, when it comes to shoe shopping...  I think butterflies are a MUST HAVE.  To me butterflies symbolize something good is happening! When I think of butterflies I think of passion, progress, excitement, change, want, need, fulfillment...I could go on but I think you get my point. 

I am not willing to settle or let others settle around me.  If you want butterflies every day then join the movement.  Get your arse up and start moving.  I want to look back and say wow...I did it, it felt good and still get butterflies when I reminisce.

Today I proclaim that I, Phillysugamamma, am not settling for anything less than butterflies...

I hope you do the same.