what is a lie?

According to Wikipedia, the free on-line encyclopedia, a lie (also called prevarication, falsehood) is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement, especially with the intention to deceive others.  To lie is to state something with disregard to the truth with the intention that people will accept the statement as truth. 

The other day at happy hour, I was having a conversation with one of my girls...about lying.  We were trying to categorize what a lie is.  She said a lie is when you purposely do not tell the truth.  I agreed with her.  I then added that I thought lying was also when you do not answer questions at all or purposely leave pieces out.  You know- when people avoid the question entirely and change the subject or when you ask a double wammy question and the person only answers one part on purpose.

So at that very moment, at luck would have it, a living breathing example of a lie appeared.  I found out a guy I had been crushing on actually had a girlfriend.  Here's how it went down.  Picture this we are at happy hour and we are talking about a book my girlfriend just read that I am now reading, called A Belle In Brooklyn. {Sidear: if you haven’t read it, please grab a copy, its good!!!) Anyway the book describes the authors’ adventures and rules for living the single life. 

So anyway we are all at happy hour sitting at the bar -glancing at the book- me, some friends and my crush.  Now I definitely know when I met him, he didn’t have a girl-and in all honestly I didn’t want to be his girl (at that point).  So we are talking about the book and the single life and I am sure that we all fall victim to the he didn’t answer my question situation so pay attention. He says “the book is about the single life? I’m not reading that.” My girl says, “it’s  a good book…well...are you single?”  A pregnant pause happens here, the subject changes and he orders a drink. WTF!!   In that very instance I said “see, he just lied to us.  Weren’t we just talking about lies.”  My girl, who is a very good listener, says “oh no he said he didn’t have a girl, he was single.”  I pointed out “no, he didn’t answer the question”.   She says “no he said he was single.”  I call him over and repeat the question, he looks at me, as she says “didn’t you say you were single.”  He says “no, you’re right I didn’t answer the question.”   I reiterated the point and that’s when he said, “yeah you right I didn’t answer.”  Finally he mumbles something that sounded like he said “I’m not single.”

He never told me. 

He didn’t answer the question until I pointed it out.


He lied to me. 

I’m not calling him a liar, but….if the bow tie fits…A liar is a person who is lying, who has previously lied, or who tends by nature to lie repeatedly—even when not necessary.  Lying is typically used to refer to deceptions in oral or written communication. Other forms of deception, such as disguises or forgeries, are generally not considered lies, though the underlying intent may be the same.Serious lies (such as perjury, fraud, and defamation) are punishable by law.

Men who lie about their relationship status in my humble opinion should be punished by law.  Unfortunately and fortunately there are enough women that they can tell the truth about their relationship status and they will still get what they want from them.  Why lie?

I dont need you to tango...or do I?

So a little while ago when I was checking up on my celebrity gossip I discovered low and behold-guess who they said was/is pregnant with twins??? Kim Kardashian’s sister.  Yup. Khloe.  The headlines are swearing she is pregnant with twins and being clear to mention that this isn’t the official announcement because her and Lamar do not want to overshadow Kim’s wedding. Gimme-a-break. I mean of course, several questions come to mind…how far along is she?  How do they know its twins? Did she get in vitro fertilization? Why is in vitro fertilization among celebs the thing to do?  The reason these many of these celebs are running to do with has more to do with choice than need.  I believe they want to choose the number of kids (twins, triplets, the sex, timing etc), rather than let nature take its course. Well I am here to tell you it isn’t just our favorite celebrities J-Lo, Kloe Kardashian, Evelyn from basketball Wives (she wants twins) getting in vitro.  Your next door neighbor, you co-worker and your college roomate are all doing it.  However their reasons are slightly different.

IVF or in vitro fertilization remains one of the more effective solutions to infertility. The numbers of successful births from IVF have steadily grown in the last decade. However, it is still an expensive procedure, costing upwards of $12,000 per cycle and often requiring multiple cycles.  Growing up, old folks used to say that in vitro fertilization was the thing “white women” did.  It wasn’t until I got older that I learned that after a certain age the percentage of African American women and Caucasian women who use assisted reproductive technology’s (ART) such as in vitro fertilization were about equal.   Most of these women have decided on ART-not completely because they are having infertility issues, but because they are having man issues.  They long for a family of their own.  Sure they could adopt or become a big sister, but these women long for a child to call their own.  They long for a baby. 

Does it really take two to tango?  Do you really need a "man" to have a baby?  I mean don’t get me wrong, women have been rearing children by themselves for decades-without the help of a husband or a man biologically related to the child.  I’m sure you have a Uncle Ray-that lives down the street or a Uncle Eddie that taught you how to drive…but most of those (in that time) were situational kinds of things...your father passed away, your mom and dad broke up-after you were born,  mom and dad got a divorce etc…things just didn’t work.  But more and more women as they get older are “purposely” having “purposely made” children-with or without a man. They have proclaimed that they haven’t found the right man, they are growing older and their eggs are shriveling up!! "They are shouting we want a baby.  but what we are not hearing is that they don’t want the "hassle" of a no good baby dad.

So here’s the question is it better to not know who left the sperm at the sperm bank, than to have to tell someone that Ray Ray is your "baby fatha"?  I often wonder what does this say about us a society.  That we don’t need a man, surely children need two parents. Or do they? 

I was raised primarily in a single parent household.  I think I am somewhat accomplished.  I've done a few things here and there.  Does that make my mother a bad person because things didn’t work between her and my father?  Why is it okay to be a parent via IVF vs being a single parent because things did not work out between the mother and father?  I think they are the same.   I know people who grew up in two parent households and are a damn train wreck. I know folks who were raised by a single parent that are well accomplished. Is there really a difference? Stop spending all that money on IVF and give Ray Ray some play!

Let's wait awhile...

..for what???
Ladies as we grow older and really learn what makes us “tick” within relationships…we realize our needs and wants regarding our sexual behaviors and activities tend to change.  Changes are often around the frequency of sex, the length of time we are getting it in, requirements about HIS tools and abilities, and our level of commitment to a guy before we give it up.  

Many times we meet men who give us butterflies and we want to jump their bones “on spot”.  We meet men that are not our type and they slowly grow on us and we use the sex (when it’s GREAT) to justify being with that person.  Indeed, we also have male friends and we teeter on whether we should cross the line. We have that “we just met, I had too much to drink and I accidentally had sex with him” sex.  And last but not least we always have that one ex whose house we end up stopping by cause we happen to be in the neighborhood –and its only a plus that he knows how to make your toes curl.  :-)

As I grow older wiser, and since apparently I am *cues music Single Life by Cameo* living the single life, I wonder how long should we (yes you) make a brotha wait??  Do the traditional- make him wait high school rules get thrown out the door because you (not me) are now 30 something??

In his book {and soon to be movie,} Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man Steve Harvey says wait 90 days...I have girlfriends who say wait a month.  Personally my grandmother used to say make him pay for it! She didn’t give a time frame and no my grandmother was not promoting prostitution , but more so make him work for it, make sure he earns it, make him COURT you.  Court-wow! When is the last time you heard that word in the context of dating.  Been a while, right?  On the other hand, I have other girlfriends that say "you will know when the time is right"…but do we really ever know when the time is right AND more importantly does it REALLY matter after a certain age???  I mean once you hit 30 do all the rules still apply.  Bottom line if do women over 30 really have that kind of time?  Well it really depends on what you want…

I mean besides the important questions that I have listed below what do you REALLY have to wait for?  How many partners have you had? How many partners have you had unprotected sex with? Have you ever had sex with a man? Have you had any STI’s or STD’s? STI/STD stands for sexually transmitted infections/diseases {for those of you still saying VD, catch up}? When was the last time you had an STD test?  When was the last time you had a HIV test? WHAT WERE THE RESULTS?

Should I or shouldn’t I?  In her recent CD, Jill Scout shouts aloud "I’m making you wait for the fifth date- I need to know if you’re worthy.."  I think this waiting question is personal and depends on what you are looking for before and after you have sex.  What does worthy mean to you? Does it mean he passed a clean bill of health? He has a job? 1½ kids, car, house, all his teeth….what are you worth and what do you want?  No I’m not saying have sex on the first night (or not) because he said yes –and has proof of his answers to all of the questions above but if a man is only our for sex what difference does it make if you give it to him on the 1st day or make him wait the long gruesome 90 days-really?  

Frankly, I think the sooner the better, that way you haven’t wasted a lot of time and energy into something that he (or you) for that matter aren’t interested in developing.  And you get to check out the goods-insert smiley face here _______.  Who wants to wait 90 days, have bad sex and mentally you all wrapped up in a guy ready to jump the broom-only to cheat on him or divorce him cause the sex sucks-No pun intended.  That relationship isn’t going anywhere.  I think many times we make things bigger than what they are.  It is okay for a woman to admit she has a sexual attraction to a man and keep it moving-right?  If it turns out to be more, than great, you have a win win-a good relationship and good sex.

Disclaimer: Actually it takes at least 20 minutes to get a rapid HIV test and I am sure when you are at the club and you meet a guy, there aren’t too many places open that time of night to get tested.  I recommend waiting at least 2 days, so he can get at the very least a rapid HIV test the next day.  Then you can get it in :-)